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Remakes Schremakes!

With the news that Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is being remade, I realize not even made for television movies are safe from the recycle machine in tinsel town. I informed some fellow bloggers of this and it turns out Don’t isn’t the only film being fitted for a new look. Check out some of the movies we found heading into production.

I came across these:

Shattered Innocence: Lindsay Lohan (re) recreates the days of Shauna Grant's life in adult films. Her coke dealer/boyfriend is played by Alec Baldwin, only he cleans up his act and she ends up being cast in the next Steven Soderbergh film.

This House Possessed: Tom Welling plays straight laced musician Gary Stralhorn who hires a beautiful nurse named Sheila (played by Thora Birch) and they fall in love while investigating his haunted iPhone.

Gargoyles: Daman Wayans plays the head of a gargolyle cult, who fears being exploited by Jason Lee and his daughter played by Jamie Pressley.

The Babysitter: Anna Lynne McCord plays the enigmatic new housekeeper for a family consisting of the Octomom and her 14 babies (all played by Dakota Fanning). Turns out the babysitter isn’t evil (leave that up to mom), she’s just a crappy housekeeper.

Dr. Cook’s Garden: Mathew Broderick replaces Bing Crosby as the evil doctor. Instead of “euthanizing” patients he deems immoral, he makes them look at Sarah Jessica Parker (played by Michael Bolton) in a bikini!

Aunt John at Kindertrauma knew of some others:

Home for the Holidays (2009): In ailing health, Benjamin Morgan (Joel Higgens of Silver Spoons fame) summons his four estranged adult daughters (Shannen Doherty, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Tara Reid, and Soleil Moon Frye) home for one final Christmas to bury the hatchet. Since his daughters hold him responsible for the bizarre suicide death of their mother (Dallas & Models Inc.’s Linda Gray seen only in a flashback guzzling from a box of wine and riding a donkey perilously close to a wood chipper), the elder Morgan further alienates his daughters by telling them that his second wife (Tracey Nelson) is plotting to kill him. One by one, as Christmas draws near, the daughters are pitch forked to death, which begs the question, who is behind the killings? The second wife with a body count in her past? The town doctor (played with aplomb by Ted McGinley)?

Fallen Angel (2009): In this gender-reversed, Univision-produced, update of the 1981 Emmy Award-wining T.V. movie of the week Fallen Angel (starring Dana Hill, Richard Masur, and Melinda Dillon), twelve-year-old Juan (Ugly Betty’s Mark Indelicato) is unhappy with his widower father's relationship with a family friend. Feeling lonely, Juan readily accepts the friendship of an adult woman named Hortence (Will & Grace and Devil Times Five star Shelley Morrison) and joins the after school, interpretative dance school she owns. Soon, Hortence is convincing Juan pose for photographs that become more and more revealing. Hortence turns out to be one of those not-often seen on television lady pedophiles that works in child pornography and she plans to make Juan a "star." Will Juan's father (funny man, and we use that term loosely, Paul Rodriguez) be able to help his son before it's too late?

Michael Ferrari at Cinema du Meep informed me of these films:

A remake of Sybil with Hilary Duff: When she's mean and ugly she turns into Haylie Duff. Tina Fey plays the psychiatrist role because she wears glasses and looks smart.

Sooner or Later: Now starring Gossip Girl's Blake Lively as the 13 year old girl who falls for rock star/music teacher Justin Timberlake.

Brian’s Song: A reboot with The Rock and Chad Michael Murray, now set against the world of competitive male cheerleaders. Instead of one of them dying of cancer, this time he'll have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Duel: Now set in the future with Jason Statham playing everyman David Mann who after just getting out of jail (wrongly accused of killing his wife) is now being chased by a hybrid Mack Truck/Prius. There will be many illusions to the oil crisis. One scene involves Statham lighting oil on the road so he can later escape a fireball in his souped up Mercedes.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble: It's about time this gets a redo. But because it's the future, he won't need a bubble anymore. He is implanted with a mechanism within that allows all germs and bacteria to be retracted and sent in any direction he chooses. The government finds out about this breakthrough technology that his renegade doctor gave him and decides to use him as a weapon to fight against the war on terror. Shia Lebouf could play the boy and Miley Cyrus as the love interest.

I could also remake Bad Ronald with all 3 of the Jonas Brothers playing him. One could be good Ronald. One can be Bad Ronald and the other can be Prince Norbit of Atrantra.

For my next screenplay, I'm going to write a remake of Dark Night Of The Scarecrow. I envision Jamie Foxx and Zach Efron in the Charles Durning and Larry Drake roles, respectively. Oh, and it's going to be set in modern day L.A.

Unkle Lancifer at Kindertrauma told me about these:

Crow-Raven Farm: Raven Simone stars as a typical housewife who slowly comes to the realization that her dream home is over run with pilgrim ghosts.

The Bermuda Debts: Connie Selleca finds herself facing bankruptcy due to the high cost of trying to raise her beloved pet, a giant turtle.

Mother May I Sleep with Dana Carvey?: Tori Spelling stars in this horror thriller about an aspiring actress who will do just about anything to star in a proposed "Church Lady" movie.

Rob Zombie’s Don’t Go to Sleep 2: Double Cheese, Hold the Obituaries: A now adult Kristen Cumming returns to the role that made her famous in this highly anticipated sequel to the 1982 television classic. Cumming, as Mary, has just been released from a mental hospital and soon finds work managing a local pizza joint. Spurred on by the ghost of her dead sister Jennifer, Mary in a misguided effort to resurrect Ruth Gordon takes pizza cutter in hand and begins to slice up both customer and employee alike.

And even across the pond it’s remakes-a-go-go, just ask Ross at Anchorwoman in Peril!:

OMG! You mean you haven't heard about the upcoming "reimagining" of Everybody's Baby: The Rescue Of Jessica McClure??! It stars Miley Cyrus as "Jess" McClure, a hot 17-year-old heiress who tragically falls down a 50ft sewer pipe whilst leaving a hip Miami nightclub. Can her hot young friends, together with some misunderstood Latino street punks, manage to rescue her (and find love) before time runs out and she misses her audition for America's Got Talent? I can't wait!!! Apparently, there's even gonna be a cameo from Sharon Osbourne... as a bag lady who shows Jess how to catch rats for food at the bottom of the hole.

Finally, my boyfriend David Cohen told me about this one:

Crawlspace: Stars Dane Cook as an extraordinarily annoying drifter who suffers flashbacks from his USO tour . He moves into the crawlspace of a home owned by a troubled elderly couple played by Bill Murray and Lily Tomlin. Their common hatred of the drifter draws the couple back together. Tentative title: Crawlspace-gasm.

*Thanks everyone for helping me out with this and special thanks to Michael for the idea and to Aunt John for the Home for the Holidays and Fallen Angel art!!! You all rule!!!



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 15th, 2009 03:53 pm (UTC)
Sooner or Later
You know it had to happen! How about Sara T: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic, starring Miley Cirus and the horse from the My Friend Flicka remake?
May. 15th, 2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
Of course I was flipping through the channels and they were playing a remake of Sybil on lifetime. Apparently it was made in 2008 and it stars Jessica Lange!
Feb. 15th, 2011 10:01 pm (UTC)
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